When little children use force to get what they want, many adults tell them, “Use your words.” Use my words? What words? What do you mean by that? If you pay attention to their facial expressions, you will see a kind of confusion as they try to figure this out. They cannot conjure up words for what they want, without some support. Saying, “Use your words” can pause their aggression, but does it really teach them how to communicate?

Young children are concrete thinkers. They are not able to think in the abstract yet. Being told to “use your words” is a very abstract idea. If they knew what words to use, they would not be pushing or hitting their friends. They are just learning how to get what they want appropriately, and need more concrete ideas. We should abandon the use of “use your words” and instead, work harder on giving children concrete support in social skills development.

What does that support look like? One way is by modeling. When there is an altercation, intervene by showing how it should look and sound. “Tanya, I would like to use that toy, please.” If Tanya will not cooperate, model how to respond to that, too. “Tanya, may I please play with that when you are done?” Your child can repeat these after you, parroting, so that they become familiar with how to make a sentence that gets them what they want. If they need concrete ideas to work with, offer those, too. Will they take turns, trade, use a timer, or what? Use questions to offer these ideas, letting the children choose the direction to go. Both children should be offering ideas and negotiating.

Another effective thing to say is, “Tell her/him what you want.” They always know what they want. Ask a child, “What did you want?” and they will tell you. Teach them to use that, to communicate their wants and needs.

How will this look in practice? A child acts out on another because they are not getting their way. The adult reminds, “Tell him/her what you want.” The child then tells the other child what they wanted. Then the other child should express what they wanted. Then offer those solution ideas, letting the children choose the one that works to solve their problem.

Will it solve their problem immediately and quickly? Not always. They might need continued coaching to figure out next steps. But it is a start to the negotiation process and gives them a concrete way to think about next steps. They will not always agree to work together, and there is still a risk for aggression to break out, but it gives them a way to access communication in a concrete, meaningful way. If the children cannot reach an agreement, and one begins to act out, separate them and give the emotional child time to get composed in a safe place, and then unpack the situation with them when they are calm.

“Use your words” is the easy way to feel that you are doing something to teach them communication. You say it and walk away, feeling you just solved a problem and can get on with your day. Facilitating communication and social skills development takes time. It is not fast. It is not easy. It can be frustrating and eat into your day. But the net result will be less time spent on being a referee and your child will be empowered to communicate with others, in all situations.

Here is a link for NCPMI Solutions Cards. These can be printed, laminated, strung onto a book ring and used when children need concrete ideas for solving problems. In time, this process becomes automatic and children will grab these cards for collaborative problem solving. https://challengingbehavior.org/docs/SocialEmotionalSkills_solution-kit_cue-cards.pdf